How to Discuss Estate Planning With Your Parents? | Tips for an easier conversation

It never seems to be the right time to speak with your aging parents about their estate. It’s not an easy subject to bring up for most families. In fact, according to one study, 67% of adult children and their parents disagree about when it is appropriate to have this conversation, whether it is well before retirement, upon retirement, or later in life when health and/or finances become an issue. So where does this leave you and your family?

The list of reasons for not having the conversation can be long and varied. For many older adults, the cultural “taboo” about having a frank conversation about finances can play a role. There is also the fear from the parents about losing control over their own finances, not having a comprehensive understanding of their finances themselves, or simply wanting to avoid conflicts between family members over something being seen as unfair. 

But it’s not just the parents who are uncomfortable having these conversations. Adult children can often feel they are being too pushy, not wanting to seem like they are being greedy, or they don’t know how to initiate the conversation in the first place.

About 9 out of 10 parents and their adult children in that same survey realize the importance of having these conversations, and those that do have the conversation report a greater peace of mind. So what are some steps you can take to get through this conversation without feeling like you’re stepping on toes? 

Let your intentions be known

This conversation may not be the easiest for you or your parents to have, but it’s best to not spring it on them unexpectedly. Let your parent(s) know you’re planning on having this conversation with them, and set aside a time to discuss the matter. 

It’s also not best to start a conversation with a rapid fire list of questions that could very well create a defensive position. Instead ease into the conversation by letting your parents know that you want to know what their wishes are so that you can best support them. Making sure to include any siblings in the conversation is also important so that everyone can be on the same page and hears the message from your parents, so there is no miscommunication.

Focus on your parents’ wishes

While a frank conversation about their estate will benefit everyone in the family, be sure to make it about your parents’ wants, and be clear about the benefit to them. You want to be able to carry about their wishes and estate plans, and the easiest way to make sure you understand exactly what they want and discuss it in detail. This can help avoid disagreements or misunderstandings down the road.

Careful communication

Financial and estate planning conversations can be stressful, particularly for older parents. They may easily feel as though they are being questioned, patronized or even attacked. There are ways to avoid this, however, and the key is careful communication. 

A method called the Imago Dialogue is one way to make your parent feel at ease and like they are being heard. The three steps in the Imago method are: mirror, validate, and empathize.

Mirroring involves repeating, without analyzing, what your parent has said. For instance, your mother says that she wants John to inherit her car. You repeat back, either verbatim or paraphrasing, what she has said, such as “So what I’m hearing is you’d like John to inherit the car.”

The second step, validating, is letting your parent know that it makes logical sense to you, by stating something along the lines of “ It makes sense that you’d want John to have the car, since he has always loved the car so much.”

The third step, empathizing, takes into consideration the parents emotional state at the time, by letting them know you think you understand what they’re going through. “I can only imagine that it’s not easy to have to consider everyone’s feelings when you talk about these things”, then ask them to express how they are feeling. This gives your parent the opportunity to respond to what you have said, and either clarify or express themselves.

Listen

In line with the Imago method, making sure you are listening, rather than questioning, is another key to encourage the conversation to move forward. When you ask your parents about their estate plan, be sure to confirm what it is that you’ve heard, and encourage them with phrasing such as “We just want you to know that we’re asking these questions so we can help out in any way we can” or “We want to understand what it is you want so that it can run smoothly for you.” 

By avoiding questions as to “why” they are choosing to do what they want to do, you can remove a lot of chances for defensiveness. While you may feel you’re just trying to understand your parents thinking, it can be easily seen as you jumping to your own agenda. This is not the time to question your parents on why they want what they want, but to simply ask what it is that they want, and encourage them to be open with you.

Ask for their help

One way to initiate the conversation with your parents is for you to be vulnerable yourself and let your parents know that you’re worried or thinking about their financial health and their estate planning. By saying something along the lines of “I’ve been worried about whether you have enough money to last you through retirement, and I’d really like you to help me understand where you’re at in case we need to make plans for that.” Many parents don’t want their children to be kept awake at night thinking about them, so they will often have the conversation in order to put their children at ease.

Another similar way to start the conversation could also be to ask for their help, because you are trying to plan your own financial future. “Mom, I’m working on my own long-term financial planning, and in order for me to have a better grasp on that, I’m hoping you could help me understand what yours is.” 

Don’t push for details

If your parents are still not sure about having a financial conversation, let them know that you don’t need to know every detail. What you’re most interested in is making sure that they feel secure in their financial future and have a good understanding of where they are at, not the dollar amounts.

Prepare for objections

If you’ve had financial problems yourself in the past, or have had to rely on your parents for financial help before, it’s important that you anticipate objections to the conversation. For example, they may be worried you are going to ask for money. In order to get ahead of those objections, get them all out before the conversation even gets rolling. By saying something as simple as “I promise this conversation is not going to be about me asking for money, and I’m in a good place financially right now” at the beginning, you can ease your parents worries and open the door to a productive conversation.

Just do it

There’s no doubt that financial or estate planning conversations between a parent and children can be awkward, difficult, and something that no one really wants to discuss. Still with some simple reading like this article, and a little bit of prep work and planning, you can make the process easier, less combative, and more productive. And in the end, they are valuable conversations that will benefit both your parents and you, and everyone will be better off.